The Endsville Chronicles Part 3

Dumb and Dumber

"Man," Pud'n said in a weird voice. "I love the ripe melons in the morning." It kept cracking on, like, every other word. Man, I hopes my voice never does that. We were all in the locker room before gym class when he started.

"What melons," I asked. "There weren't any in the cafeteria.

" It was the third day of seventh grade, but I already thought it'd be the bestest year of my life. Jessica, the most beautifulest girl in the seventh grade was my girlfriend. She had really shiny stuff. Her hair was shiny. So were her Lisa Frank stickers. But she got real mad yesterday when I tried to borrow some for my bicycle and yelled a lot, which kinda was not cool. It also was sorta weird that she didn't like Mandy. And she says I shouldn't talk to Mandy cause she's a skank. And she won't tell me what a skank is. But I knows how to find out! I'll ask Mandy! Oh, wait...

"Bro, are you even listening," I heard Pud'n say. I looked up. "I asked you a question."

"What was it, Pud'n?" "It's Pete," he snapped. "P-E-T-E. Pete."

"Okay, Petey," I said. "What was it?"

"He asked if you saw Mandy's rack," Irwin said.

"You means her spice rack," I asked. "Oh, many times."

Petey face palmed. "I mean her tits, Billy. Have you seen her tits?"

"You mean her boobs?"

"Yeah, her boobs," Irwin said. "We heard she's slept at your house before? Did you see 'em?"

"She goes in the bathroom," I explained. "And she don't let me come."

"Haven't you ever just peeped," Petey asked.

I shook my head. "I think she'd kill me."

"Figures," Irwin muttered. "Have you seen anything else? Or done anything I could do vicariously through you?"

"Vicuri-what-ly?"

"Vicariously," Petey said. "Like have you made out with her?"

I shook my head. "Man," Irwin said. "I'm glad I'm going to the dance with Sarah. 'Cause as hot as Mandy is, she sounds frigid."

I shrugged again. It was hard to answer questions while I was trying to tie my shoes. What was it again? Over, under, around, and....over? No, that's not it. Darn. I let go of the strings. We still had co-ed gym this year, and so far Jessica would tie my shoes for me every day. So I guessed she'd do it again today. I got up from the bench I was sitting on and went into the gym. Jessica was waiting for me. She looked down at my shoes and got on her knees again. Mandy walked by us and rolled her eyes. I guess her sockets got all jumbly.

"Hi, Mandy," I yelled as Jessica tied up my left shoe. Suddenly, Jessica karate chopped my shin. "Owwww," I moaned.

"What'd I tell you about talking to Mandy," she snapped.

I shrugged. "Don't talk to her," Jessica said. "Because you're my boyfriend, and if Mindy thinks I associate with someone who associates with Mandy, my reputation will be ruined."

"Okay," I agreed. I say 'okay' whenever Jessica says something so she doesn't get all mad.

"I'm finished," Jessica said. She stood up and brushed off her knees. "So, who don't we talk to?"

"Sperg?"

"No," Jessica snapped. "Mandy. We don't talk to Mandy."

I nodded. Gee, it'd be hard not to talk to Mandy. She's my bestest friend.

"If Mandy was nice, could we talk to her," I asked.

"If she was nice, wore better clothes, had a boyfriend, or at least had a good Lisa Frank collection, we might think about talking to her," Jessica said. "If she had a boyfriend, we might even let her ride in the limo with us to Fall Ball."

"So, all Mandy would have to does is get a boyfriend?"

Jessica nodded. That gave me an idea. I should take Mandy shopping for Lisa Frank stickers!

"I could tolerate Mandy's presence," Jessica said as we started running laps around the gym. "Your questions have given me an idea."

I was glad Jessica and I were on the same sheet. That mean we'd be together forever and ever and ever and-  "We need to get Mandy a boyfriend."

"What?!" We couldn't gets Mandy a boyfriend. That would be wrong. No guy in our class could be Mandy's boyfriend, never ever! Not even Pud'n, alias Pedro. And he's gotten pretty damn hunky, if I should say so myself.

"I'll make the arrangements for Operation: Love," I heard Jessica say, not even paying attention to me.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I managed to say, but she cut me off.

"Don't you want your little friend back," Jessica asked. I nodded. "Well, then Operation: Love is a go."

"Uh...uh....uh.....uh," I spluttered. And then it happened. Right in the middle of the gym, Jessica Shoal planted one right on my lips. My first real kiss. I felt my knees get all weak and gooey and I felt like I would pass out.

"So you'll help," Jessica asked. I nodded weakly. "Good."

By the end of the day, there was a team of people planning to get Mandy a boyfriend: Jessica, Sarah Vain, Mindy Vogue, two of the Jennifers, me, and Grim. I recruited Grim so I wouldn't be the only guy in the group. We met up in the park's picnic area. Jennifer K. spoke up first. "So, like, are you a dead person," she asked Grim.

"I'm the Grim Reaper," he asked. "Now does anybody else have any more dumbass questions? Billy excluded, because dat's just pointless." He lowered his gaze at me. "Why am I here again, Billy? I am supposed to be catching up with my 90210 tapes today." Mindy rolled her eyes.

"90210 is so out, Grim. I mean, Melrose Place is what everyone's really watching.  But being, like, a million years old probably makes you behind on the trends. No offense."  

Flames shot up in Grim's eyes as he glared at Mindy. It was awesome, but she wasn't paying any attention. "Anyway," Mindy went on. "We're here to get that gross, disgusting thing you call a friend a boyfriend of her own. After all, she's probably so evil because she's frigid."

"You mean Mandy? A boyfriend," said Grim in surprise. "Is Irwin still on da market?"

Sarah shook her head. "He's mine," she said.

Grim immediately burst in laughter. "You have got ta be kiddin'," he gasped. "Mandy? A boyfriend? Only in a world where pigs fly. Or if she got possessed by someone wit' a half pleasant disposition." Grim laughed for a while longer. It was so hard he was crying. He finally gasped and wiped under his sockets. "But really, why am I here?"

"We needs to get Mandy a boyfriend," I explained. "Otherwise, I can't talk to her."

"Why not?"

Jessica tossed all her shiny, shiny hair and glared at Grim. "Because I said so," Jessica snapped. "And I'm Billy's girlfriend."

And for some reason, Grim started laughing again until he looked at the rest of us. "Okay, so let me get dis: Irwin and you, Billy Nimrod the town jester, have girlfriends, and Mandy is in need of a relationship?"

We all nodded. Grim scratched his chin. "Someting is very wrong here," he murmured to himself.

"So, like, are you in or not," Mindy snapped. Grim groaned, but he nodded. Good. I think. I mean, Jessica's right, I guess. I don't know. I don't really like the idea of Mandy having a boyfriend. What if that means she doesn't need me anymore to do stuff cause some guy's drooling all over her? Plus, I don't know who'll they'll put her with now that Irwin's taken. It's kind of scary. But Jessica won't be my girlfriend if Mandy's not popular and I'm her friend. This is making my head hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mandy's POV

The parental units were absent after school today. I considered calling over Billy, but I gave up, assuming that he'd be busy with Jessica. So instead, I plotted how I would destroy the harlot who should not be named. I was considering replacing the Ace of Base cassettes she carries around in her backpack with Beck or Weezer, something less acceptable to Mindy and Co., as a starting point before I really went into it with her. After all, the only thing important to Jessica is being popular and getting to stand behind Mindy at all of the precious social events. Hell, I could in theory sabotage Billy, and bring her down with him....nah, not worth it. It was Jessica I was mad at, not Billy. I chose to put sabotage of her makeup on the table shortly before the doorbell rang. I went to the door, expecting to see a recently dumped Billy at my doorstep. Instead, I found the two Jennifers, accompanied by Sarah Vain, much to my surprise. BJ (Brooklyn Jennifer) spoke up first.

"You don't have a date to Fall Ball yet, right, Mandy," she said.

"No," I said flatly. Where could this be going? And what was Sarah Vain doing here? I knew the Mindyites considered themselves above the Jennifers, who they considered to be sluts. So why would Sarah be willing to be seen in public with them?

"So," Sarah said. "No date. No problem. We'll get you one."

"What makes you assume I want one," I replied. Jacey (Jennifer Stacey) twirled her bleached blonde curls around her index finger.

"Everybody needs love, Mandy," she trilled from her thin lips. "Even you."

"Love? Who's talking about love," I spat. "We're in seventh grade. We can't even have sex yet! Some of us don't even know how it works yet. And you guys are talking about love! We can't even have lust yet!"

Sarah looked shocked and appalled and BJ looked sort of amused, but Jacey just rolled her eyes. "God, Mandy," she said. "You can have love without sex."

"Not if you can't even picture it," I pointed out. "You don't have to have sex, but you have to be able to think about it. Otherwise, you don't know what you might be getting into."

"Ohmigod," BJ squealed. "I think about sex, like, all the time. I think that means I'm in love!"

"No, that make you a skank," Sarah snapped. "Now, let's stay on track. Mandy, we are inviting you to the mall to set you up with a date to Fall Ball, and then to buy our dresses."

I snorted. "Screw that," I snapped. "Why the hell would I want to go to the mall with you lemmings?"

"You would want to go," Sarah said, "if you want to keep your friend Billy. Because if we don't get you a boyfriend, Mindy will never want you in our crowd. If you're not in with us, you won't be in with your precious friend Billy. So if you want Billy to speak to you ever again, you'll come to the mall. Now."

I almost slammed the door in that little brat's face, but something occurred to me. Mindy definitely didn't want me in her little clique. And Jessica didn't want me around Billy. So I could kill two birds with one stone by tolerating some seventh grade imbecile and going with this little plan for the week leading up to the dance. Hell, I could even plot further revenge. After all, one must keep their friends close and their enemies closer. Slowly, I felt a small, closed-lip smile cross my face. "Sure," I agreed. "Let's go to the mall."